My so called whatever

I had another migraine today.  It’s still lingering, but I think I can actually be coherent now.  I usually don’t even try to write when I have a migraine.  My brain just doesn’t work.  It takes me a full five minutes to email my supervisor to say “My head hurts.  I’m staying home.”  Seriously.

I’ve tried to be pretty upbeat since I started the new blog and focus more on things that make me happy.  I’ve tried to just write when I feel good and not write when I feel like crap.  I want to have a positive outlook on life.  I really do.  And sometimes I actually do.  But you know what?  Sometimes I just feel like hell.

I never know how much I should write about these things.  I don’t want you all to view me as some kind of whiner or something.  But I don’t know if I’m just having unrealistic expectations of myself because of situations I was in where my feelings would absolutely not be considered so I really wasn’t allowed to voice complaints.  Like, who did I think I was to think I had rights?

On the other hand, I’m not some kind of Stepford Knitter or robot dyer or something.  I mean, do you all come here just to read about my knitting and dyeing, or do you want to read something about my life?  I really don’t know.  Hardly any of you ever comment, so I kind of feel like I’m just talking to myself sometimes.  I’m well aware that I’m not, of course.  I know that anybody could be reading this.  And of course the Google-bots capture every word.  People do some pretty weird keyword searches to get here.

Anyway, I’ve been noticing something about my migraines in recent months.  Now, I’ve realized for years that the day after I have a migraine, I’m totally wiped out.  Exhausted.  Brain still doesn’t work so well.  Kind of in a fog.  And I had also noticed that sometimes I wake up in the morning feeling extremely depressed, and then a short time after, a migraine starts.

When I paid more attention, I realized that the wipe out day also often included a depression, and I thought, Wait a minute, is the depression connected to the migraine?  I had read about migraine prodrome and postdrome phases before, but it had been a while, so I looked them up again, and sure enough, depression was listed as a symptom of both phases.

While not exactly a happy thing, this is a bit encouraging to me for one reason.  A lot of times I’ve felt depressed and really had no idea why.  (Sometimes of course I feel depressed as hell and know why, but it’s disconcerting to be depressed and have no idea why!)  Well, now I know why.  It was just my brain being fucked up.  I had a migraine, only I didn’t think of it as a migraine because it wasn’t during the headache phase, it was during the prodrome or postdrome phase.  (I don’t get an aura phase.)  I’ve tended to use “migraine” and “headache” interchangeably, thinking of migraine as a type of headache, even though I know a migraine has a lot more symptoms than just the headache.  Now I realize just how inaccurate that was.

I also realize now that the prodrome phase is longer than I had thought.  When I paid more attention, I realized that I didn’t just wake up depressed and then get a headache.  I went to bed depressed the night before.

Brains are weird.  Blobs of protoplasm and neurotransmitters and whatnot.  All squishy.  Amazing they work as well as they do when you look at the things, looking like some kind of alien life forms.  Not surprising when parts of them just don’t work right.  What are you going to do?  You can’t take them back to the store for a refund.  Can’t take ’em to a mechanic and say, “Fix it.”

Oh, wait, I guess that’s what a neurologist is.  Yeah, ok, I did that.  Got way potent drugs.  That’s why I just have a couple of migraines a month now instead of almost every day.  Ok, I am grateful for that.  Really.  Drugs are good.  (Oh boy, that should get a keyword search or two.)

And I seem to have lost track of where I was going with this.  I think I had a point.  Maybe I had a point.  Ok, maybe I’m not really coherent enough to be writing.  See what I mean about being in a fog?  Um…I think it was something like, does anyone care about this stuff?  I mean, I’m not just writing this to get sympathy.  I’m hoping maybe it might help someone else.


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  1. Joe

    I started reading your old website after a link on Ken Kifer’s pages. Originally I came for the bicycling advice and assorted political rants. I’m not much of a knitter (I have one scarf to my name), but I’m always up for discussions of eco-friendly clothing and lifestyles. Of course, blogs are about people, not just subjects, so it’s to be expected that daily events tend to be mentioned. This gives the writing it’s unique flavor.

  2. Mary E.Dadds

    I certainly am amazed that you have no more comments than you do.
    You have an interesting Blog and ive been trying to keep up with it for a few years now.
    You know people love trendy people.And your either popular or not.Im not.
    Dont know why more people dont comment .Really.
    Your obviously an educated ,intelligent person.And you have have great yarn.
    Everyone cant be the Harlot.I get weary
    trying to finish reading her comments to her posts.I only said all this because Of your statement.Chin -up

  3. natasha

    firstly, i know i just blogged about stuff like this too, so i have no right to tell you not to worry that you are a whiner, but seriously, it isn’t like every post is bitch moan bitch about nothing. it is a journal, and this is a big thing for you. as for feeling wiped out and scrambled, my neuro told me that migraines affect your brain similarly to seizures. it really does do strange things. you might want to consider going to the doctor about the migraines. they have fantastic preventative meds, as well as things you can take when you get them that aren’t pain meds, they dissolve in your mouth and normally you get sleepy and when you wake up you are okay. they are so much better than the first several generations of that stuff. there is no reason for you to suffer if you don’t have to.
    as for feeling funky before you get one, that is actually really normal also. there are all kinds of strange symptoms you can get before you get it, i do, too. i feel out of sorts, depressed, not myself. my head will feel numb, my vision will be funny, or i smell strange things. talk to your doctor though. it really can be night and day if you get the meds. you still will get it, but you can kind of just sleep it off. mine are definitely hormonally triggered, also, and if i eat msg, bleu cheese, alcohol and a few other things, i am sick in no time flat. okay, i talked way too much.

  4. Marcy

    You used to get migraines everyday? Damn. If I had a migraine every single day, I would kill myself. Seriously.
    Anyway, I understand a little bit about the comments. I mean, sometimes I wish more people would comment on my blog, but then I’ve seen blogs where the same person comments on every fucking post, and I want to say, “Get a life.” And then if there’s anything at all controversial in a post, I almost don’t want to read the comments. Everyone feels entitled to throw their four halfpence into the discussion. Groan.
    Oh, and yea for getting your migraines down to two a month.

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